Apparently, coffee and grapefruit was not terribly helpful in the "settle an anxious stomach" department today.
Anyone see this coming?
Anyone?
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Updated 101
It has been far too long since I've update my list of 101 things I plan to complete in 1001 days. Below is an update. I am not nearly as far along as I'd either like to be or need to be in order to complete this, but we've had a few large scale life projects that have come up. Since this list started, I got a different job (Whoo for #67!); my eldest step son has graduated high school and is transitioning to college; my eldest son is transitioning to middle school (which was, in itself a process because there was uncertainty over which school he would attend) and, oh yes, we decided to attempt to sell our house during the biggest housing recession known for generations!!!
So, I haven't always had the time, energy or brain function to tackle this (or my blog!) in a regular fashion. Goodness only knows how much or how close I will be able to finish in the time left, but this is where I am at. With a little encouragement (that's you!), I will roll up my sleeves and see what I can't finish up.
And feel free to let me know what's on your life list to do!
List Started: June 27th, 2010
Scheduled Finish Date: March 24th, 2013
1. Make a homemade macaroni & cheese my family loves. (HAHA. This is a story.)
2. Make chocolate chip oatmeal cookies.
3. Make homemade banana ice cream.
4. Learn to make Grandmama's biscuits.
5. Make a homemade cheesecake.
6. Teach Charlie to cook a meal. COMPLETED, 8/1/2010
7. Eat at home for 30 days.
8. Grow basil.
9. Plant lavender in the front yard.
10. Plant tomatoes on the back deck.
11. Organize the basement.
12. Clean out the garage. COMPLETED, 4/11 (Moving helps this!)
13. Have a yard sale COMPLETED, 4/11 (Selling a house encourages this! I should've posted this! We made over $800 and got rid of an apartments worth of stuff!)
14. Get Nana's needlepoint from Dad. Clean & Hang. COMPLETED, 6/11
15. Paint a picture.
16. Finish the hand tree printing for myself.
17. Make a handprint tree for Mom.
18. Make a handprint tree for Dad.
19. Watch Casablanca.
20. Have a BBC Pride & Prejudice marathon.
21. Make an apron.
22. Knit a scarf.
23. Finish the quilt. Give it to Crickett.
24. Finish the embroidered baby blanket.
25. Keep a grateful calendar for 60 days.
26. Organize photos and memorabilia.
27. Compile Charlie's journal.
28. Compile Sam's journal.
29. Write a letter to my children on their birthday. Sam: Aug. 13, '10
30. Write my mom a letter for my birthday.
31. Write 3 chapters.
32. Publish a piece.
33. Read 24 books: IN PROGRESS (13 of 24) ...
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. 7/5/2010
Confederates in the Attic. 7/11/2010
The Stone Diaries 7/31/2010
Eat Pray Love 8/30/10
Harry Potter (the 7th one) 9/7/10
The Know It All: One Man's Humble Quest to be the . . . 9/13/10
Half Broke Horses 9/15/10
Committed 4/11
Arcardia 4/11
The Geography of Bliss 5/11
Tuesdays with Morrie 5/11
Heaven is 4 Real 6/11
The Pioneer Woman: High Heels to Tractor Wheels 6/11
34. Read with Sam 20 minutes a day for 30 days.
35. Write 30 blogs for 30 days.
36. Get 25 blog suscribers.
37. Attend BlogHer.
38. Go to Chicago with John.
39. Spend a weekend in a B&B.
40. Take the family to Disney.
41. Take a trip with Kari.
42. Take my family to spend time with Linda & Grandmama in Georgia twice.
43. Fly in to Colorado to surprise my parents for the weekend.
44. Have breakfast with my Dad -- just the two of us.
45. Have a girls weekend with my mom.
46. Go to the Station Inn. COMPLETED, 7/10/2010
47. Go to the Grand Ole Opry @ the Ryman.
48. Attend a Broadway musical. COMPLETED, In The Heights, 3/23/11
49. Aquire a piano.
50. Learn to play 3 songs on the piano.
51. Take voice lessons.
52. Give a 45 minute recital.
53. Make my own CD. (er, aiming high here)
54. Audition for the Nashville Symphony Chorus.
55. Quit biting my nails.
56. Exercise 3 days a week for 3 months.
57. Take a dance class.
58. Zumba. (That's a verb, right?)
59. Lose 20 pounds. IN PROGRESS
60. Complete a 5K.
61. Give blood.
62. Donate to St. Jude's.
63. Volunteer 15 hours of my time to an organization.
64. Build my own personal savings account to $1500.
65. Tame the budget beast.
66. Enroll in a master's program.
67. Make a change in my career of some sort. COMPLETED, 10/25/11
68. Use my library card downtown 12 times. 1
69. Learn about photography. (Either class or book.) COMPLETED (class w/ Ilde), 5/11
70. Go to the movies by myself. COMPLETED, 12/25/11 (The King's Speech)
71. See the Chihuly exhibit. COMPLETED; 9/4/10
72. Go star gazing.
73. Go on a day hike.
74. Go to 3 national parks. IN PROGRESS
Rocky Mountain National Park 11/23/11
Lincoln's Boyhood Home, Indiana, 6/6/11
75. Go white water rafting.
76. Attend a professional football game.
77. Watch Charlie or Sam in a sports game.
78. Go a fieldtrip with Charlie's class. COMPLETED, 5/24/11 (Huntsville Space Center)
79. Go on a fieldtrip with Sam's class.
80. Spend a day with Charlie doing whatever he wants.
81. Spend a day with Sam doing whatever he wants.
82. Ride bicycles with the boys.
83. Build a fort out of blankets.
84. Do a lemonade stand with the boys.
85. Play in the rain.
86. Food Fight!
87. Take the boys horseback riding.
88. Spend a Saturday tooling around Franklin ... or Chattanooga. COMPLETED, 5/11 Chattanooga
89. Go to the Wilson County Fair. COMPLETED, 8/21/2010
90. Visit the Hermitage for a day.
91. See at movie at the Belcourt.
92. Find a church that is good for the family. COMPLETED, 4/11 (and it is Awesome!)
93. Finish holiday shopping and wrapping by Dec 15. (John laughs hysterically at this, FYI.)
94. Make a religious holiday advent tradition with Charlie and Sam.
95. Send/give a gift unexpectedly.
96. Leave a note for someone in a random place.
97. Leave a 100% tip for excellent service.
98. Do 12 nice things for people unexpectedly and at random times.
99. Reconnect with an old friend.
100. Apologize. Sincerely. COMPLETED
101. Say I Love You once in the most creative way possible.
So, I haven't always had the time, energy or brain function to tackle this (or my blog!) in a regular fashion. Goodness only knows how much or how close I will be able to finish in the time left, but this is where I am at. With a little encouragement (that's you!), I will roll up my sleeves and see what I can't finish up.
And feel free to let me know what's on your life list to do!
List Started: June 27th, 2010
Scheduled Finish Date: March 24th, 2013
1. Make a homemade macaroni & cheese my family loves. (HAHA. This is a story.)
2. Make chocolate chip oatmeal cookies.
3. Make homemade banana ice cream.
4. Learn to make Grandmama's biscuits.
5. Make a homemade cheesecake.
6. Teach Charlie to cook a meal. COMPLETED, 8/1/2010
7. Eat at home for 30 days.
8. Grow basil.
9. Plant lavender in the front yard.
10. Plant tomatoes on the back deck.
11. Organize the basement.
12. Clean out the garage. COMPLETED, 4/11 (Moving helps this!)
13. Have a yard sale COMPLETED, 4/11 (Selling a house encourages this! I should've posted this! We made over $800 and got rid of an apartments worth of stuff!)
14. Get Nana's needlepoint from Dad. Clean & Hang. COMPLETED, 6/11
15. Paint a picture.
16. Finish the hand tree printing for myself.
17. Make a handprint tree for Mom.
18. Make a handprint tree for Dad.
19. Watch Casablanca.
20. Have a BBC Pride & Prejudice marathon.
21. Make an apron.
22. Knit a scarf.
23. Finish the quilt. Give it to Crickett.
24. Finish the embroidered baby blanket.
25. Keep a grateful calendar for 60 days.
26. Organize photos and memorabilia.
27. Compile Charlie's journal.
28. Compile Sam's journal.
29. Write a letter to my children on their birthday. Sam: Aug. 13, '10
30. Write my mom a letter for my birthday.
31. Write 3 chapters.
32. Publish a piece.
33. Read 24 books: IN PROGRESS (13 of 24) ...
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. 7/5/2010
Confederates in the Attic. 7/11/2010
The Stone Diaries 7/31/2010
Eat Pray Love 8/30/10
Harry Potter (the 7th one) 9/7/10
The Know It All: One Man's Humble Quest to be the . . . 9/13/10
Half Broke Horses 9/15/10
Committed 4/11
Arcardia 4/11
The Geography of Bliss 5/11
Tuesdays with Morrie 5/11
Heaven is 4 Real 6/11
The Pioneer Woman: High Heels to Tractor Wheels 6/11
34. Read with Sam 20 minutes a day for 30 days.
35. Write 30 blogs for 30 days.
36. Get 25 blog suscribers.
37. Attend BlogHer.
38. Go to Chicago with John.
39. Spend a weekend in a B&B.
40. Take the family to Disney.
41. Take a trip with Kari.
42. Take my family to spend time with Linda & Grandmama in Georgia twice.
43. Fly in to Colorado to surprise my parents for the weekend.
44. Have breakfast with my Dad -- just the two of us.
45. Have a girls weekend with my mom.
46. Go to the Station Inn. COMPLETED, 7/10/2010
47. Go to the Grand Ole Opry @ the Ryman.
48. Attend a Broadway musical. COMPLETED, In The Heights, 3/23/11
49. Aquire a piano.
50. Learn to play 3 songs on the piano.
51. Take voice lessons.
52. Give a 45 minute recital.
53. Make my own CD. (er, aiming high here)
54. Audition for the Nashville Symphony Chorus.
55. Quit biting my nails.
56. Exercise 3 days a week for 3 months.
57. Take a dance class.
58. Zumba. (That's a verb, right?)
59. Lose 20 pounds. IN PROGRESS
60. Complete a 5K.
61. Give blood.
62. Donate to St. Jude's.
63. Volunteer 15 hours of my time to an organization.
64. Build my own personal savings account to $1500.
65. Tame the budget beast.
66. Enroll in a master's program.
67. Make a change in my career of some sort. COMPLETED, 10/25/11
68. Use my library card downtown 12 times. 1
69. Learn about photography. (Either class or book.) COMPLETED (class w/ Ilde), 5/11
70. Go to the movies by myself. COMPLETED, 12/25/11 (The King's Speech)
71. See the Chihuly exhibit. COMPLETED; 9/4/10
72. Go star gazing.
73. Go on a day hike.
74. Go to 3 national parks. IN PROGRESS
Rocky Mountain National Park 11/23/11
Lincoln's Boyhood Home, Indiana, 6/6/11
75. Go white water rafting.
76. Attend a professional football game.
77. Watch Charlie or Sam in a sports game.
78. Go a fieldtrip with Charlie's class. COMPLETED, 5/24/11 (Huntsville Space Center)
79. Go on a fieldtrip with Sam's class.
80. Spend a day with Charlie doing whatever he wants.
81. Spend a day with Sam doing whatever he wants.
82. Ride bicycles with the boys.
83. Build a fort out of blankets.
84. Do a lemonade stand with the boys.
85. Play in the rain.
86. Food Fight!
87. Take the boys horseback riding.
88. Spend a Saturday tooling around Franklin ... or Chattanooga. COMPLETED, 5/11 Chattanooga
89. Go to the Wilson County Fair. COMPLETED, 8/21/2010
90. Visit the Hermitage for a day.
91. See at movie at the Belcourt.
92. Find a church that is good for the family. COMPLETED, 4/11 (and it is Awesome!)
93. Finish holiday shopping and wrapping by Dec 15. (John laughs hysterically at this, FYI.)
94. Make a religious holiday advent tradition with Charlie and Sam.
95. Send/give a gift unexpectedly.
96. Leave a note for someone in a random place.
97. Leave a 100% tip for excellent service.
98. Do 12 nice things for people unexpectedly and at random times.
99. Reconnect with an old friend.
100. Apologize. Sincerely. COMPLETED
101. Say I Love You once in the most creative way possible.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
On the Aimless & Anchors
Oh, I hate these days.
The ones where I can't quite turn off my brain, and neither can I quite pin down what I am thinking about or what's on my mind. Directionless. Almost as if my emotions were pacing the floor, but for no particular reason that I can easily identify.
The reason this is hard is because I never know where my thoughts will lead me. And more often than not, I easily end up in frustrated or angry places:
The casual house that feels comfortable, homey and lived-in last night may suddenly feel messy, overwhelming and chaotic.
The loving and reliable husband that goes through so much effort to be consistent with our boys will suddenly morph into a growing concern that because we are strict, surely our children will rebel when they are older for the sake of not having to follow so many rules and get lost along the way.
That I am making friends and spending time in ways that make my life fun and enjoyable suddenly turns into a deep guilt because, crap, I don't know which one is my son's favorite shirt and maybe I need to be home and engaged more?
Something as small as having a blissfully restful weekend with few plans in it suddenly transfigures into this black fear of not "having a life". Oh, ho ho ho! BUT THEN the next second, I remember that we HAVE a few plans. Which should save the day, right? Problem solved, yes? ... No. Because this is Upside Down Crazy Thought Day and rather than appreciating that we are filling our lives with things we value or creating memories, I get supremely irritated because, well, who wants to spend their Saturdays on stupid Pinewood Derby cars? I wanna be France! Why can't I be in France? Other people are France. Am I in France? No. Stoopid France.
Yesterday's relief that I was beyond my drama-ridden 20's is suddenly this gripping realization that I am getting older and beyond youth. I could DIE TOMORROW. And ohmigosh. . .
Even my coffee tastes funny, dammit.
Honestly, suddenly nothing is right, *everything* twists on it's head and is upside and I don't know why.
These are the days I hate. Aimless thoughts wandering into dark corners and turning on themselves, spinning in mid-air -- summer clouds churning into thunderstorms.
At least, this morning, I was aware that I was standing at the Gate Of Grumpy, at the Door of Disatisfaction.
But I don't have to walk through.
Instead, I am going to find one thing that I can focus on so these aimless thoughts will have an anchor.
The good news is, usually, things right themselves with something as simple as NPR radio on the weekends, a cuddle with one of my boys or just sitting outside in fresh air. These are the things that bring me, not just back to life, but back to MY life. And back into loving it.
The ones where I can't quite turn off my brain, and neither can I quite pin down what I am thinking about or what's on my mind. Directionless. Almost as if my emotions were pacing the floor, but for no particular reason that I can easily identify.
The reason this is hard is because I never know where my thoughts will lead me. And more often than not, I easily end up in frustrated or angry places:
The casual house that feels comfortable, homey and lived-in last night may suddenly feel messy, overwhelming and chaotic.
The loving and reliable husband that goes through so much effort to be consistent with our boys will suddenly morph into a growing concern that because we are strict, surely our children will rebel when they are older for the sake of not having to follow so many rules and get lost along the way.
That I am making friends and spending time in ways that make my life fun and enjoyable suddenly turns into a deep guilt because, crap, I don't know which one is my son's favorite shirt and maybe I need to be home and engaged more?
Something as small as having a blissfully restful weekend with few plans in it suddenly transfigures into this black fear of not "having a life". Oh, ho ho ho! BUT THEN the next second, I remember that we HAVE a few plans. Which should save the day, right? Problem solved, yes? ... No. Because this is Upside Down Crazy Thought Day and rather than appreciating that we are filling our lives with things we value or creating memories, I get supremely irritated because, well, who wants to spend their Saturdays on stupid Pinewood Derby cars? I wanna be France! Why can't I be in France? Other people are France. Am I in France? No. Stoopid France.
Yesterday's relief that I was beyond my drama-ridden 20's is suddenly this gripping realization that I am getting older and beyond youth. I could DIE TOMORROW. And ohmigosh. . .
Even my coffee tastes funny, dammit.
Honestly, suddenly nothing is right, *everything* twists on it's head and is upside and I don't know why.
These are the days I hate. Aimless thoughts wandering into dark corners and turning on themselves, spinning in mid-air -- summer clouds churning into thunderstorms.
At least, this morning, I was aware that I was standing at the Gate Of Grumpy, at the Door of Disatisfaction.
But I don't have to walk through.
Instead, I am going to find one thing that I can focus on so these aimless thoughts will have an anchor.
The good news is, usually, things right themselves with something as simple as NPR radio on the weekends, a cuddle with one of my boys or just sitting outside in fresh air. These are the things that bring me, not just back to life, but back to MY life. And back into loving it.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
#JBin3D. A true story.
jennilea6
Tweeting my way thru Justin Beiber in 3D. Please nominate me for the Congressional Medal. Also, you're welcome. #jbin3d
jennilea6
Although, the previews for other upcoming kids movies are all ones I want to see. What does this mean? #jbin3d
jennilea6
Now I know what it would be like in a theater full of Me at The Sound of Music. Um, everyone is singing and screaming. #jbin3d
jennilea6
Thank god for these glasses. Hopefully it will keep the paparazzi at bay. #jbin3d
jennilea6
Um, did anyone know that this kid can play the drums? And, um, that he is kinda good? I feel disillusioned. #jbin3d
jennilea6
Confession: I am hoping my kids take notes. Mama wants the best nursing home her star child can buy. #jbin3d
jennilea6
What do you mean he is Canadian? Also, is he even old enough to HAVE "stomping grounds"? #jbin3d
jennilea6
Sam (6) is slack-jawed and just looked up at me and gave me a thumbs up. I win! #jbin3d
jennilea6
Turns out, I am not the only one who learned something. Sam now understands that his name is not really Justin Beaver. #jbin3d
jennilea6
Ok, the kid has a pair, that's for sure. Just HEY CAN I SING FOR YOU USHER?? No inhibitions. That really IS something to admire. #jbin3d
jennilea6
Debbie Gibson, eat your heart out. Oh sorry. Deborah. I stand corrected. #jbin3d
jennilea6
Whoa. That hat almost hit me! #jbin3d
jennilea6
Pretty sure Will Smith's daughter learned to whip her hair from this boy. Hair swoosh extraordinaire. #jbin3d
jennilea6
True enough, Justin owes his success to a viral YouTube clip. What happened to the sneezing baby panda? Where is he now? #jbin3d
jennilea6
Just totally got called out for texting. By Beiber. #jbin3d
jennilea6
Um, no. I did NOT just get all "OMG that is so cute." no, I didn't. #onelesslonelygirl #jbin3d
jennilea6
OF COURSE he descends on the stage in a floating heart. Of course he does. What else would expect? #jbin3d
justmalia Malia
@jennilea6 Your #jbin3d tweets are cracking me up!
jennilea6
@justmalia just doing my part for all of The Twitter! Thank you! #jbin3d
jennilea6
Sometimes Justin wishes he led a normal life. Finally, we have something in common. Well, that and our good looks. #jbin3d
jennilea6
It would have been nice if someone told me that Madison Square Garden ... Isn't really a garden. Now what am I supposed to do? #jbin3d
jennilea6
I knew pink is for Susan B Kommen. Apparently, purple is for Justin. Do they have magnet ribbons for my car, too? #jbin3d
jennilea6
Charlie just realized that all girls love JB. I bet 10 bucks that he asks me for purple high tops and starts wearing a hat. #jbin3d
jennilea6
I don't care famous my boys get ... I won't let them wear skinny pants hanging down. I am still the mom, right? #jbin3d
jennilea6
Honestly, I like that my boys like him. All said and done, he is actually a good role model. And we all need those. #jbin3d
jennilea6
Oh thank, God. I was worried there wasn't going to be an encore! Justin! Justin! Justin! Justin! #jbin3d
jennilea6
The whole audience is singing "Baby, Baby, Baby ohhhh". Not kidding. I though you'd always be mine? :) #jbin3d
jennilea6
The world loves Justin almost as much as I love Charlie and Sam. #jbin3d
jennilea6
*snort* I jokingly ask my boys what talent of theirs I could exploit. C: "bowling". S: "Wii". Oh yeah. Superstars in the making. #jbin3d
Tweeting my way thru Justin Beiber in 3D. Please nominate me for the Congressional Medal. Also, you're welcome. #jbin3d
jennilea6
Although, the previews for other upcoming kids movies are all ones I want to see. What does this mean? #jbin3d
jennilea6
Now I know what it would be like in a theater full of Me at The Sound of Music. Um, everyone is singing and screaming. #jbin3d
jennilea6
Thank god for these glasses. Hopefully it will keep the paparazzi at bay. #jbin3d
jennilea6
Um, did anyone know that this kid can play the drums? And, um, that he is kinda good? I feel disillusioned. #jbin3d
jennilea6
Confession: I am hoping my kids take notes. Mama wants the best nursing home her star child can buy. #jbin3d
jennilea6
What do you mean he is Canadian? Also, is he even old enough to HAVE "stomping grounds"? #jbin3d
jennilea6
Sam (6) is slack-jawed and just looked up at me and gave me a thumbs up. I win! #jbin3d
jennilea6
Turns out, I am not the only one who learned something. Sam now understands that his name is not really Justin Beaver. #jbin3d
jennilea6
Ok, the kid has a pair, that's for sure. Just HEY CAN I SING FOR YOU USHER?? No inhibitions. That really IS something to admire. #jbin3d
jennilea6
Debbie Gibson, eat your heart out. Oh sorry. Deborah. I stand corrected. #jbin3d
jennilea6
Whoa. That hat almost hit me! #jbin3d
jennilea6
Pretty sure Will Smith's daughter learned to whip her hair from this boy. Hair swoosh extraordinaire. #jbin3d
jennilea6
True enough, Justin owes his success to a viral YouTube clip. What happened to the sneezing baby panda? Where is he now? #jbin3d
jennilea6
Just totally got called out for texting. By Beiber. #jbin3d
jennilea6
Um, no. I did NOT just get all "OMG that is so cute." no, I didn't. #onelesslonelygirl #jbin3d
jennilea6
OF COURSE he descends on the stage in a floating heart. Of course he does. What else would expect? #jbin3d
justmalia Malia
@jennilea6 Your #jbin3d tweets are cracking me up!
jennilea6
@justmalia just doing my part for all of The Twitter! Thank you! #jbin3d
jennilea6
Sometimes Justin wishes he led a normal life. Finally, we have something in common. Well, that and our good looks. #jbin3d
jennilea6
It would have been nice if someone told me that Madison Square Garden ... Isn't really a garden. Now what am I supposed to do? #jbin3d
jennilea6
I knew pink is for Susan B Kommen. Apparently, purple is for Justin. Do they have magnet ribbons for my car, too? #jbin3d
jennilea6
Charlie just realized that all girls love JB. I bet 10 bucks that he asks me for purple high tops and starts wearing a hat. #jbin3d
jennilea6
I don't care famous my boys get ... I won't let them wear skinny pants hanging down. I am still the mom, right? #jbin3d
jennilea6
Honestly, I like that my boys like him. All said and done, he is actually a good role model. And we all need those. #jbin3d
jennilea6
Oh thank, God. I was worried there wasn't going to be an encore! Justin! Justin! Justin! Justin! #jbin3d
jennilea6
The whole audience is singing "Baby, Baby, Baby ohhhh". Not kidding. I though you'd always be mine? :) #jbin3d
jennilea6
The world loves Justin almost as much as I love Charlie and Sam. #jbin3d
jennilea6
*snort* I jokingly ask my boys what talent of theirs I could exploit. C: "bowling". S: "Wii". Oh yeah. Superstars in the making. #jbin3d
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
On Forgiving: because I need to.
If you are mostly human, every now and again you find yourself in still angry or hurt about something in the past.
I've had more than my fair share of things in my life that maybe weren't fair to me or were, if we are being completely honest, completely destructive. And, for the most part, I'd like to think that I've done a fairly good job shaping myself to not being an angry or bitter person in general. I could be -- but I don't really want to be that kind of person. I've moved on, put things in the past, realized that it's not the end of the world, that there are worse things that could have happened and/or that we aren't granted any promises at all of anything when we are born into this world, etc. and so on and so forth. I've stretched my faith to include loving others and allowing the possibility for God. Whatever it's taken to put particular things behind me, I've tried to do. With some success.
Still. Life is rarely at 100%, 100% of the time. There are days like today when, even unexepectedly, I find myself still hurt and struggling with something in particular. Something brings it to the surface and I have to figure out why I am being sullen, or even acting ridiculous.
Which is when I start to remind myself that:
1) Feeling hurt and angry even years later is unproductive. It robs me of joy or even peace now.
2) I have a particular perspective on how things happened, but I may not be fully correct. I have no way of truly knowing … where someone was at emotionally and mentally at the time; if there were other things, other factors that contributed to the situation, what their motives were, etc. All I know was what I experienced -- but, in reality, my experience within the situation may only be part of a larger story.
3) There are circumstances which contributed to the situation. Did the circumstance have to be a limitation or boundary of sorts? No. But still, some things weren’t their fault.
4) It wasn’t intentionally malicious. Incredibly thoughtless and unsupportive, yes. But malicious, no.
5) Being jealous or resentful of 3rd outside parties is a little childish. It’s not their fault that I got what I got so long ago. I need to not mix the two.
6) Even so, forgiveness is really hard and, until I figure it out, I will hurt.
It's easy to recognize that forgiveness is the answer -- the hard part is figuring out how.
Sometimes we don't get an apology, while other times apologies help little towards feeling the peace and resolution that true forgiveness brings.
Sometimes, forgiveness will lead to a mended relationship -- a friendship healed. Othertimes, the offender may not be a part of your life anymore and the only person benefitting from the work of forgiveness is yourself (and those remaining in your life). Still, it's worth it. Forgiving someone else is just as much for you as it is for them.
Sometimes we will get understanding of why what happened to us, happened. And, unfortunately, there may be no good answer -- or even any answer at all. And while this makes forgiveness all the more challenging, it doesn't irradicate neither the need nor the responsibility to try to forgive. You just have harder work to do to make it happen. It can feel so discouraging, yes? Remember, peace is on the other side of that hard work.
Sometimes, we are the offender. And then we are the ones on the other sides of forgiveness -- working and waiting for it to be dispensed. We may be in a situation where we are forced to accept that people may choose to not engage us any longer as a result of the damage we've done. And then, of course, there is the business of when we have to forgive ourselves. Tough stuff.
Forgiveness: necessary, ongoing, complicated work and/or process of work to which there is no single solution, but that which brings peace to one's life and grace to each other.
Ultimately, I believe forgiveness is possible and it is one of the ultimate fulfillments of "love thy neighbor". Contention and anger inhibits love, of which we can never have too much. ... Forgiveness is an extension of love.
And of course, as I always say, love is never a waste of time.
All I have to do is .... figure out how to do it when faced with the need for it. *le sigh*
But for today? This has been a good start. A start.
I've had more than my fair share of things in my life that maybe weren't fair to me or were, if we are being completely honest, completely destructive. And, for the most part, I'd like to think that I've done a fairly good job shaping myself to not being an angry or bitter person in general. I could be -- but I don't really want to be that kind of person. I've moved on, put things in the past, realized that it's not the end of the world, that there are worse things that could have happened and/or that we aren't granted any promises at all of anything when we are born into this world, etc. and so on and so forth. I've stretched my faith to include loving others and allowing the possibility for God. Whatever it's taken to put particular things behind me, I've tried to do. With some success.
Still. Life is rarely at 100%, 100% of the time. There are days like today when, even unexepectedly, I find myself still hurt and struggling with something in particular. Something brings it to the surface and I have to figure out why I am being sullen, or even acting ridiculous.
Which is when I start to remind myself that:
1) Feeling hurt and angry even years later is unproductive. It robs me of joy or even peace now.
2) I have a particular perspective on how things happened, but I may not be fully correct. I have no way of truly knowing … where someone was at emotionally and mentally at the time; if there were other things, other factors that contributed to the situation, what their motives were, etc. All I know was what I experienced -- but, in reality, my experience within the situation may only be part of a larger story.
3) There are circumstances which contributed to the situation. Did the circumstance have to be a limitation or boundary of sorts? No. But still, some things weren’t their fault.
4) It wasn’t intentionally malicious. Incredibly thoughtless and unsupportive, yes. But malicious, no.
5) Being jealous or resentful of 3rd outside parties is a little childish. It’s not their fault that I got what I got so long ago. I need to not mix the two.
6) Even so, forgiveness is really hard and, until I figure it out, I will hurt.
It's easy to recognize that forgiveness is the answer -- the hard part is figuring out how.
Sometimes we don't get an apology, while other times apologies help little towards feeling the peace and resolution that true forgiveness brings.
Sometimes, forgiveness will lead to a mended relationship -- a friendship healed. Othertimes, the offender may not be a part of your life anymore and the only person benefitting from the work of forgiveness is yourself (and those remaining in your life). Still, it's worth it. Forgiving someone else is just as much for you as it is for them.
Sometimes we will get understanding of why what happened to us, happened. And, unfortunately, there may be no good answer -- or even any answer at all. And while this makes forgiveness all the more challenging, it doesn't irradicate neither the need nor the responsibility to try to forgive. You just have harder work to do to make it happen. It can feel so discouraging, yes? Remember, peace is on the other side of that hard work.
Sometimes, we are the offender. And then we are the ones on the other sides of forgiveness -- working and waiting for it to be dispensed. We may be in a situation where we are forced to accept that people may choose to not engage us any longer as a result of the damage we've done. And then, of course, there is the business of when we have to forgive ourselves. Tough stuff.
Forgiveness: necessary, ongoing, complicated work and/or process of work to which there is no single solution, but that which brings peace to one's life and grace to each other.
Ultimately, I believe forgiveness is possible and it is one of the ultimate fulfillments of "love thy neighbor". Contention and anger inhibits love, of which we can never have too much. ... Forgiveness is an extension of love.
And of course, as I always say, love is never a waste of time.
All I have to do is .... figure out how to do it when faced with the need for it. *le sigh*
But for today? This has been a good start. A start.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
To Have or Not To Have
To have or not to have, that is the question. Why, kids, of course.
Knowing that I (myself) have 2 children, I recently had a conversation with someone who shared with me -- out of the blue and without preamble -- that they feel "having kids is a waste of time". At first, I was so taken back by what this person said that I was startled. I didn't say anything at all. Honestly, I was trying to determine if that's even actually what they said. Had I misheard?
But then they repeated themself: "Kids just ... take so much from you. You have to have so much patience." and later "Just think of all the books you could read if you didn't have kids."
I was ... unprepared. I wasn't insulted exactly because this person wasn't telling me that I was wrong for having them. Just expressing his own opinion, but still, I felt a little challenged. My life choices clearly aren't the same as their life choices. Fine.
He went on to say that a friend of his had carefully examined the issue and wrote a book about it. His treatise, ultimately, argued that it was categorically unethical to bring a child into this world, with all its many problems. The book was, by all accounts, well written and received critical praise from philosophers, etc.
I didn't ask the name of the book, or its author.
Even still, I wasn't insulted. This person wasn't attacking me for choosing to have them -- merely expressing a differing opinion and life choice.
I wasn't quite sure what to say, and honestly, don't remember my full response (again, I was too caught off guard at the moment to think clearly). I know that I shared that while not having kids is not a life choice that I personally understand, I do respect those that know their limits. I think it's worse when people bring children to the world, but then don't actively parent them. So, if you can't be a parent, then by all means, please don't. Children shouldn't raise themselves.
Obviously, I have kids. 2 of my own, 2 stepsons. And I would love more than anything to have more. Sadly, I know this is where I have to stop. Even so and clearly, this puts me squarely in CAMP PARENT. More people than not have families, so you would think that I don't understand what it means to make a life choice "against the grain".
I don't know about that. I actually feel something of a pariah in society myself -- or at least in my community. Of my friends, most of them have decided that they don't want to bear children. It's more than a growing trend -- it's the norm for my circle of friends. I am the exception, rather than the rule. Either because I had children earlier than most do these days, either because I was a single mom for so long, perhaps because I have moved around so frequently all my life that I don't know the same people for more than a few years (at most), the point is that I have always been somewhat ... out on my own and odd man out. I have my family and I have a few friends -- but, for some reason, the twain don't really interact very often. Granted, there are a few exceptions, but these few special friends that accept my kids like they accept me are the exception, not the rule.
When I hear (more and more of) my friends emphasizing thier choice not to have kids, it makes me personally a little sad. I try not to judge them. I don't like them any less and I don't think that they are making wrong choices for their life. Again, if you can't be a parent, please don't be.
It is not that I feel that being a parent is the only thing to ever be in life. It's not that I feel that those who are childless have less ... anything in their life.
I will not tell you that having children is completely wonderful and enjoyable. Just this morning, I am pretty sure I wanted to rip the lips off my older child and hog tie my younger one. That isn't exactly my definition of joy.
Childless adults may say "and who wants to deal with that in their lives? I can have what I want when I want it. Why wouldn't I chose that?" Or even just "Hey, think of all the books you can read when you aren't being bothered by crazy children who make you want to rip their lips off and hog time them."
Tempting.
But I know love greater, because of my kids.
Those that choose to be childless have their opinions, and I have mine.
Here it is: I believe, I honestly believe, that loving a child, even if not your own, teaches you more about what love truly is more than almost any other experience possible in this life. When you love a child, it is unconditional. You give and you give and you give. You don't get from them what you give to them. You likely never will and somehow, that's okay. Because so long as you get to love them, that's enough.
And you love a child in a nonpossessive way so that it can leave you. Would you accept love like that from a spouse? I think not. Imagine a wedding where you pledge only 18 to 20 years, giving everything to them and providing them structure FULLY ENDORSING and MAKING POSSIBLE that they can then ... leave you? No. We expect our spouses to love us in return. Faithfully and to us alone and for forever. But we don't love our kids like this. We love our kids while they love other things and themselves more. We love kids even as they outgrow us. We continue to love them and rather than holding a grudge that they somehow outgrew us and thought we were morons, we welcome them back to our lives when they realize that we maybe aren't REALLY there just to ruin their lives.
Having kids isn't easy. My everyday isn't a rosy bowl of cherries with bliss exploding everywhere. I don't always get to do what I want. They keep me in the house when I want to roam the world. I have to have patience to refrain from actually ripping their lips off. They make lots of noise. They bounce all over my house. They question me. They drive me crazy.
But I have gotten so much from it that it doesn't always feel so difficult. Because I love them. My instinct is that I want for everyone to experience this great thing as I have. I want everyone to have what I have .. and I have to work to recognize that there ther are other ways of learning love. This is just how I was blessed to learn it.
I believe that if we all know better love, if we all love our neighbor in a greater capacity, we really could make a difference in our world.
Love is never a waste a time.
To have or not to have. To be (a parent) or not to be. In the end, all is okay so long as we have love and grace enough ... however you come by it, and even more importanly, give it.
Knowing that I (myself) have 2 children, I recently had a conversation with someone who shared with me -- out of the blue and without preamble -- that they feel "having kids is a waste of time". At first, I was so taken back by what this person said that I was startled. I didn't say anything at all. Honestly, I was trying to determine if that's even actually what they said. Had I misheard?
But then they repeated themself: "Kids just ... take so much from you. You have to have so much patience." and later "Just think of all the books you could read if you didn't have kids."
I was ... unprepared. I wasn't insulted exactly because this person wasn't telling me that I was wrong for having them. Just expressing his own opinion, but still, I felt a little challenged. My life choices clearly aren't the same as their life choices. Fine.
He went on to say that a friend of his had carefully examined the issue and wrote a book about it. His treatise, ultimately, argued that it was categorically unethical to bring a child into this world, with all its many problems. The book was, by all accounts, well written and received critical praise from philosophers, etc.
I didn't ask the name of the book, or its author.
Even still, I wasn't insulted. This person wasn't attacking me for choosing to have them -- merely expressing a differing opinion and life choice.
I wasn't quite sure what to say, and honestly, don't remember my full response (again, I was too caught off guard at the moment to think clearly). I know that I shared that while not having kids is not a life choice that I personally understand, I do respect those that know their limits. I think it's worse when people bring children to the world, but then don't actively parent them. So, if you can't be a parent, then by all means, please don't. Children shouldn't raise themselves.
Obviously, I have kids. 2 of my own, 2 stepsons. And I would love more than anything to have more. Sadly, I know this is where I have to stop. Even so and clearly, this puts me squarely in CAMP PARENT. More people than not have families, so you would think that I don't understand what it means to make a life choice "against the grain".
I don't know about that. I actually feel something of a pariah in society myself -- or at least in my community. Of my friends, most of them have decided that they don't want to bear children. It's more than a growing trend -- it's the norm for my circle of friends. I am the exception, rather than the rule. Either because I had children earlier than most do these days, either because I was a single mom for so long, perhaps because I have moved around so frequently all my life that I don't know the same people for more than a few years (at most), the point is that I have always been somewhat ... out on my own and odd man out. I have my family and I have a few friends -- but, for some reason, the twain don't really interact very often. Granted, there are a few exceptions, but these few special friends that accept my kids like they accept me are the exception, not the rule.
When I hear (more and more of) my friends emphasizing thier choice not to have kids, it makes me personally a little sad. I try not to judge them. I don't like them any less and I don't think that they are making wrong choices for their life. Again, if you can't be a parent, please don't be.
It is not that I feel that being a parent is the only thing to ever be in life. It's not that I feel that those who are childless have less ... anything in their life.
I will not tell you that having children is completely wonderful and enjoyable. Just this morning, I am pretty sure I wanted to rip the lips off my older child and hog tie my younger one. That isn't exactly my definition of joy.
Childless adults may say "and who wants to deal with that in their lives? I can have what I want when I want it. Why wouldn't I chose that?" Or even just "Hey, think of all the books you can read when you aren't being bothered by crazy children who make you want to rip their lips off and hog time them."
Tempting.
But I know love greater, because of my kids.
Those that choose to be childless have their opinions, and I have mine.
Here it is: I believe, I honestly believe, that loving a child, even if not your own, teaches you more about what love truly is more than almost any other experience possible in this life. When you love a child, it is unconditional. You give and you give and you give. You don't get from them what you give to them. You likely never will and somehow, that's okay. Because so long as you get to love them, that's enough.
And you love a child in a nonpossessive way so that it can leave you. Would you accept love like that from a spouse? I think not. Imagine a wedding where you pledge only 18 to 20 years, giving everything to them and providing them structure FULLY ENDORSING and MAKING POSSIBLE that they can then ... leave you? No. We expect our spouses to love us in return. Faithfully and to us alone and for forever. But we don't love our kids like this. We love our kids while they love other things and themselves more. We love kids even as they outgrow us. We continue to love them and rather than holding a grudge that they somehow outgrew us and thought we were morons, we welcome them back to our lives when they realize that we maybe aren't REALLY there just to ruin their lives.
Having kids isn't easy. My everyday isn't a rosy bowl of cherries with bliss exploding everywhere. I don't always get to do what I want. They keep me in the house when I want to roam the world. I have to have patience to refrain from actually ripping their lips off. They make lots of noise. They bounce all over my house. They question me. They drive me crazy.
But I have gotten so much from it that it doesn't always feel so difficult. Because I love them. My instinct is that I want for everyone to experience this great thing as I have. I want everyone to have what I have .. and I have to work to recognize that there ther are other ways of learning love. This is just how I was blessed to learn it.
I believe that if we all know better love, if we all love our neighbor in a greater capacity, we really could make a difference in our world.
Love is never a waste a time.
To have or not to have. To be (a parent) or not to be. In the end, all is okay so long as we have love and grace enough ... however you come by it, and even more importanly, give it.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Funny how . . .
... they say that you are dressed up with no where to go.
But Monday through Friday, I find that I have somewhere to be ... and can't ever find a thing to wear!
But Monday through Friday, I find that I have somewhere to be ... and can't ever find a thing to wear!
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