Oh, I hate these days.
The ones where I can't quite turn off my brain, and neither can I quite pin down what I am thinking about or what's on my mind. Directionless. Almost as if my emotions were pacing the floor, but for no particular reason that I can easily identify.
The reason this is hard is because I never know where my thoughts will lead me. And more often than not, I easily end up in frustrated or angry places:
The casual house that feels comfortable, homey and lived-in last night may suddenly feel messy, overwhelming and chaotic.
The loving and reliable husband that goes through so much effort to be consistent with our boys will suddenly morph into a growing concern that because we are strict, surely our children will rebel when they are older for the sake of not having to follow so many rules and get lost along the way.
That I am making friends and spending time in ways that make my life fun and enjoyable suddenly turns into a deep guilt because, crap, I don't know which one is my son's favorite shirt and maybe I need to be home and engaged more?
Something as small as having a blissfully restful weekend with few plans in it suddenly transfigures into this black fear of not "having a life". Oh, ho ho ho! BUT THEN the next second, I remember that we HAVE a few plans. Which should save the day, right? Problem solved, yes? ... No. Because this is Upside Down Crazy Thought Day and rather than appreciating that we are filling our lives with things we value or creating memories, I get supremely irritated because, well, who wants to spend their Saturdays on stupid Pinewood Derby cars? I wanna be France! Why can't I be in France? Other people are France. Am I in France? No. Stoopid France.
Yesterday's relief that I was beyond my drama-ridden 20's is suddenly this gripping realization that I am getting older and beyond youth. I could DIE TOMORROW. And ohmigosh. . .
Even my coffee tastes funny, dammit.
Honestly, suddenly nothing is right, *everything* twists on it's head and is upside and I don't know why.
These are the days I hate. Aimless thoughts wandering into dark corners and turning on themselves, spinning in mid-air -- summer clouds churning into thunderstorms.
At least, this morning, I was aware that I was standing at the Gate Of Grumpy, at the Door of Disatisfaction.
But I don't have to walk through.
Instead, I am going to find one thing that I can focus on so these aimless thoughts will have an anchor.
The good news is, usually, things right themselves with something as simple as NPR radio on the weekends, a cuddle with one of my boys or just sitting outside in fresh air. These are the things that bring me, not just back to life, but back to MY life. And back into loving it.